Futuroid
by Soulhunger
Summary: Samus Aran teams up with the Planet Express delivery crew from Futurama to defeat the physically disabled people of HandiKappa VII.
1. Vacationing Blues

Long ago, in a city far, far, away...

A company was busy at work. They were creating the first game of a series that would become a popular success. It was called Metroid. Therefore, I do not own Metroid. Or Futurama, sadly.

1. Vacationing Blues

Samus was tired of working. Near death experiences, emotional scars that would never heal, and repetition like you wouldn't believe. I mean, she's fought Ridley how many times? Boring! She wanted a vacation, and settled on the year 3000 as a nice escape from the horror of war (she was getting bored of the year "20X5" anyway). You may be wondering how she could do this.

Samus' ship has a time travel device built into it. Of course, nobody knows about it because she just went back in time and erased everyone's memory. Yes, she also has a memory eraser, also about which nobody knows. You may be asking "If nobody knows about these things, how can you be writing this? And how would you know what happened in the year 3000 if it's only 2006? Furthermore, why didn't Samus just use these tools in the war against the Space Pirates?" Well, plot holes aside, let's get onto the story.

Samus started the flux capacitor, opened a worm hole in the space-time continuum, and entered the multi-dimensional anti-space by using warp boosters. I'll spare you the exact details, since everyone already knows how it works.

Anyway, once in the year 3000, Samus wanted to see Earth. She was pretty sure they'd be more advanced by now. And sure enough, when she approached, the planet's space traffic was heavy with advanced space-faring craft. She floated down to the surface, landing in a city called "New New York". It was a fairly large city, and looked like it'd suffice. She locked up her vehicle, and started wandering around.

---

Fry was sitting at the main table of the Planet Express Delivery company, eating a bowl of glowing blue liquid for breakfast. Leela walked into the room, looking at him. "Fry, how many times have I told you -- the ship's dark-matter engines aren't for cooking."

"No, Leela, it's not what you think. I got this from some guy in a wheel chair on my way to work. He called it... 'Faze-On'. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see Dr. Zoidberg about this sonic diarrhea that just came up by coincidence."

Leela sighed. "Fry, what were you thinking? What if it was poison?"

"What if it wasn't? Look, Leela, I can take care of myself." But the edges of Fry's vision were turning funny colors. Then the fridge started chasing him around the room.

Leela watched Fry stumble around screaming for a couple minutes, until he fell over, drooling on the floor. His pupils were huge. She sighed again, and called in Zoidberg.

"So what's the problem, already?" he asked, scuttling in. He used a stethoscope to check Fry. "Oh, no..." he said, worried. "I don't know how to say this, but... It looks as though his gills are failing. I'm afraid he's only got ten minutes left to live."

Bender walked in and looked down at Fry, who was twitching on the ground. "Hey, meatbag, what're you doing?"

"He just ate this blue stuff," Leela said, scanning the Phazon with a thing she always wears on her wrist. "It seems to be highly radioactive. I think he's in a coma."

Bender, realizing his best friend was laying on the ground in a serious condition, completely changed his attitude. "Ha, ha, ha."

---

Samus walked around New New York for ten minutes, when she received an alert in her visor. "Small amount of Phazon detected in the vicinity," her suit told her.

"Oh, this is just great. I try to get away from it all, but it's like these problems are finding ME... Oh well," she sighed, running toward the source.

She arrived at a big red laboratory. It looked like it'd be the normal routine -- shoot in the door, kill the Space Pirates, and blow up the building. But when she blew the door in with a missile, there were no Space Pirates.

"What in Jah's name is goin' on? Aah! You're payin' for dat!" a Jamaican voice said. Samus pointed her arm cannon at the man.

"Where's the Phazon?" she demanded. He looked puzzled.

"Hey, what's going on here?" came another voice, this time feminine. Samus looked, and saw a one-eyed purple-haired woman come into view. "What the..."

Samus pointed her arm cannon at the new threat, but the woman rolled left, dodging some power beam rounds, then jumped up, kicking Aran. Nothing happened. Samus was getting tired of this. She grabbed the one-eyed girl, and put an arm cannon to her head. "Where's the Phazon?"

"Fa-what? Oh, you mean that blue stuff Fry was eating?" the woman asked.

"Eating...?" Samus thought to herself. She couldn't imagine why any creature would subject itself to such torture. "Hand it over or die," she said.

"I threw that stuff in the garbage after it put Fry into a coma. Sheesh, you didn't have to shoot our door down."

"Where did you get it from?" Samus asked, wondering how they came to possess the poisonous material.

"I don't know, Fry got it from some guy in a wheel chair. Here, if you want it, I can just give you our garbage. It's over here."

---

The truth is, that guy in the wheel chair didn't want to hurt Fry. He wanted just the opposite -- to help him. It all started on the planet Handi-Kappa VII of the Assisted Living Nebula.

You see, the Handi-Kappians were a peaceful, disabled race. They all had to use either wheel chairs, crutches, or false limbs to get around. One day, a big blue meteor landed on their world. It contained a message, which they soon decoded. It said "This is a very special substance that we, the Space Pirates left behind. It is called Phazon. We want whoever finds it to continue our glorious legacy." It started giving the people of Handi-Kappa VII hope in the form of hallucinations, and ended up making many of them insane.

The world leaders all got together to formulate the perfect plan. They would spread this great substance all around the galaxy, helping other people to see the beauty of the Phazon. They would take it to each planet and hand it out to anyone they could. After all, the Handi-Kappians were a generous race, willing to share their happiness with others.


	2. Azure Nightmares

2. Azure Nightmares

Samus was in no hurry, now that she had the Phazon. And a quick look at her visor showed the city was clean. She hid the garbage bag in a dumpster, and stopped at a local bar for a few drinks. She sat on a stool next to a man that looked to be in the military. "Scotch on the rocks, please," she ordered, removing her helmet.

"Well hello, beautiful," the uniformed man said to Samus, "What do you say you and I slip into something a little more... sexual?" She stared in disbelief. "I know exactly what women like you want, and I've got plenty of it," he continued. She punched him in the stomach, making him double over in pain. He coughed and said "Let's try that again, but a little lower... And a lot softer." She couldn't believe it. His stupidity was beyond belief! She picked him up by his velour uniform and threw him out of the bar and into the street.

Samus sat back down to drink. She'd need even more now, to calm down. But then she noticed a man two seats over to the left drinking a glass of glowing blue water. "Oh, great," she muttered. She walked over to the guy and grabbed the cup.

"Hey! That's mine," he complained.

"Not anymore." Samus scanned the liquid. 98.5 percent water, 1.5 percent Phazon. Diluted Phazon? It didn't even show up on her visor until she was right next to it. She sighed. Another threat to stop. It was her duty, after all. "Hey, barkeep, what's this drink called?"

"Ehhh... 'Faze-On', or something," the bartender replied.

"Where'd you get it from?"

"Young lady, that's none of your business."

She pointed her arm cannon at him. "Tell me where you got this from, or I'll blow your head off."

"Ehhh... I got it with the normal shipment. Some guy in a wheel chair told me how to mix it. I tried some of it myself. Bit too strong for me, but everyone else likes it."

She sighed again. More work. "Give me your whole supply. Now."

---

Samus took the bag of garbage and the barrel of diluted Phazon back to her ship to stuff it into the Obliterator. It was a tool capable of destroying pretty much anything. Kind of like a high-tech garbage disposal.

Phazon safely vaporized, Samus decided to do a quick sweep of the planet with her ship's Phazon Detector, which was thousands of times more powerful than just her visor. The display monitor showed the planet had a huge amount of the stuff spread over thousands of miles. Zooming in, however, she noticed it was most concentrated around large assisted living facilities. She remembered that Fry and the bartender both got their supply from guys in wheel chairs. "Space Pirates must be storing the Phazon in these assisted living buildings to throw me off. They're probably paying the disabled people to distribute it! Hmmm, it looks like the closest building is only two miles from here," Samus thought, looking at the screen. She decided to check it out.

---

The Palm Haven Assisted Living Facility was a very large building that looked like a mansion. Samus knocked on the front door, not risking another missile mishap. A young woman in a blue uniform with a name tag labelled "CINDY" answered. "Hi, can I help you?" she asked.

"I'm looking for something called Phazon. It's blue, and it glows. I think someone may be sneaking large quantities into this building."

"Yeah, we carry Phazon here. What do you want?"

Samus thought, "Ah-HAH, so they are working for the Space Pirates!" She raised her arm cannon and fired. Cindy screamed as her left arm parted from her shoulder, smoldering. She fainted, and Samus stepped over her body, into the building.

And old man came from around the corner in a wheel chair. His skin color was a faint blue. "What the hell is going on around here? Who the hell are you? What the hell did you do to Cindy?"

"Phazon. Where is it?" Samus demanded.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Give me your Phazon supplies."

"What the hell do you think we've been doing? We're giving some to everyone, just wait your turn, dammit!"

"You're spreading radioactive material all over the planet. You'll kill everyone." She knew now what was going on. These people had Phazon Madness. They actually thought the Phazon was helping them, now that they were addicted to it. The hallucinations were warping their personalities. She couldn't let them continue their distribution.

The old man calmly wheeled around the corner, picked up the phone, and patiently dialed 9-1-1. "Now, get out of here before the police get here," he threatened.

"The police?" Samus laughed, "They can't hurt me." She decided to search the building. Not too surprisingly, in the basement, there were barrels upon barrels of diluted Phazon. It was hardly registering on her visor, even in such large quantities.

Samus planted a bomb, setting the timer for twenty minutes. She went back upstairs, and told everyone to evacuate or be converted to vapor.

---

Well, one Phazon stockpile taken care of, and only four people had to die. That's a mission success in Samus' book. After the explosion (or implosion, rather, since that was the best way to make sure the Phazon wouldn't spread around), she interrogated a few of the people that got out of the building in time.

"Where did you get the Phazon?" she asked one of the survivors.

"I'll never talk!" But he did talk, once he had a very large gun in his face. "Okay, okay. We got it from a meteor that landed on our home planet, Handi-Kappa VII."

"Where is this planet?"

"It's twenty light-years away. You'll never find it!"

Samus knew twenty light-years was far too much distance to cover. Her fuel supplies would run dry half way there, and she couldn't rely on nearby planets having the kind of fuel her ship needed. She remembered the Planet Express delivery ship from earlier that day. Leela had mentioned that it had dark-matter engines... Perhaps that would be the best choice for such a long trip.

She got out of there before the police even showed up.

---

Leela, Fry, and Bender were sitting on the couch watching TV. Fry had had his system drained of the poisonous Phazon, so his hallucinations were back to normal. Then Hermes' voice came over the intercom. "Hey, come to the meetin' table. We have a new mission."

They groaned, but got up and shuffled to the meeting room. Once they sat down, Professor Farnsworth started to speak. "Hello, everyone. As I'm sure you all know, these Handi-Kappians have been appearing all over the city, handing out the poisonous material Phazon. Well, this girl here wants to stop them," he said, gesturing toward Samus.

Leela recognized her as the emotionally unstable woman that blew their door in that morning. "What are you doing here?" she asked flatly.

"I need your ship," Samus replied, "Mine would run out of fuel before I got to the planet."

"And why should we help you?"

The Professor chimed in. "She paid us. Your mission is to deliver her and her ship to the planet Handi-Kappa VII of the Assisted Living Nebula."

"We'd love to, but--" Leela started to object.

Farnsworth cut her off. "Then it's settled! Off you go." 


End file.
